Sometimes, I think I'm just plain self-conscious. Too much of that actually, and too little self confidence. Yeah, Ha Ha right? Seems to think that a lot of people think i have a lot of self confidence. Okay, I do have confidence when I talk, or present this and that. But other areas of my life, I really feel that I lack serious self-confidence. From what i remember from my life, I wanted to do a lot of things, but somehow the low self confidence which I have just forbids me. I just sort of give up first already. There's a lot of things i want to and need to excel in. Not only academic wise, but also sports wise, and others wise. It sucks when you're stuck in a CCA, knowing you would never be good in it. It sucks when you know you can do well in your studies, but everyone around is so effing smart and good, you just feel all damn demoralised when you look at your own. It sucks to see myself deproving. I played basketball today, and damn myself, out of like 10 shots i aimed, only maybe 3 got in? It used to be like 8 in 10. Yeah small thing, but it just makes sense when you see the big picture. A small thing can make me realise a lot of things. It sucks that when singing is my life, and i really love singing, and i really really really think i can sing better than average, at least good enough. It's like out of the little capabilities I have, it's one of those that I'm really proud of. I want to sing. Better. Better than now. But, I don't know music. I mean, I actually can't read music you know? I don't take piano, I don't go for any music lessons. And then about 2 years ago, my mum asked if i want to be enrolled in any music school. I mean even my cousin went into a music school for singing lessons. But I have to admit I sound better than her. I mean seriously. But then, I said no to my mum. And why the hell did i do that? Because i know that, even if i say i want, she won't even. We're not even rich. I don't know. Maybe if i had push a little, just go for it, and not give up so easily. I would have known music, I would have sing even better than now. It sucks that I have no extra 'special', or whatever you call them, lessons. People have private lessons like what? Archery? Singing? Swimming? I've got none. Okay, i can swim well for long distances, but only in breast stroke. i can't even swim free style. Why? Because i learnt swimming from my dad, not from any lessons. i've got like no certs or anything. It's really very depressing. And when our teacher ask for certs for any outside activities/talents. Everybody around me had something to show. I've got nothing. Know how demoralised i felt? i'm too self conscious, so much that i hate myself for it. I know i shouldn't be like that, because it's not really healthy, but it's just all natural for me to be, like that you know? Just like when i was in primary school, i represented my school for debate, but when it comes to the part where you voiced your own opinions, I was like almost silent throughout! Why? Because i was scared to make a mistake, scared that what i say will be irrelevant, I'm so damn scared, I'm so damn it self-conscious. Self consciousness gets in my way, and so does afraid of making mistakes as well. People around me thinks I'm a strong/hard girl. But fact is, if you are fierce, or more intimidating, I'll just be afraid to be around you. i will look/sound/be awkward around. Has anyone ever ever noticed that whenever people around me are more outspoken, and all, I'll just be like not myself, I'll tone myself down. I don't know why, but i think i'm more or less useless. So what if i got stamina? So what if i can run in long distance? Why do i get the feeling that people thinks i'm just this boastful egoistic person? Esp from this one person, her look is so damn intimidating, and it's obvious that she doesn't really like me. And i hate it whenever i ask a question, or talk to her, she'll just look at me with that no emotion look, and then turn away? It makes me want to slap her hard.

Okay. I shall stop. I'll just rant out today, and the next thing you know, I don't really care anymore, and I'll be her frnd again. Because, I can't be angry for long. Maybe I should for once, do something for myself. And by that i mean, really go all the way out, and do well in that thing(s) i want to excel in. And then, i'll be more like what I am in primary school, because that's where I really am confident of myself, where I can be more like myself, and excel in the things I do.

Hahah. I chanced upon this and found it so amusing! It's like dramatic and yet altogether true! So here goes:

After marriage, how couples behave...

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Sweety, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Gilgit or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Islamabad on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

I love Baby Blues. They are so funny and amusing and cute! Hmm. I went swimming ytd. Felt so good. I actually swam like 28 laps, and i wanted to swim more, because i didn't feel the least bit tired ;D I'm so proud of myself. I love the pool! And i want to go out! So hard to date people, busy schedules, or clashing ones. I want to watch enchanted! Heard that Hero aint that nice, so hmm cancel that one out then. I hope there will be better movies coming. It's holidays! At least show some movies worth watching!
Anyway, i shall throw the emo me behind. For now, i shall be more happy and more like myself. It's really time to catch up with all my friends and all. But not a lot of time left. School's actually going to start in another month or so!!! And all my homework! Shit ):

I love my mum! I love rachel ong! Hahah

1. First thing you do in the shower?
= uh i pee.

2. What's your favorite line from a movie?
= i dont rmb lines from movies you know.

3. Do you like coffee?
= I prefer tea!

4. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
= uh okay luh.

5. Crush's name?
= nope. no crush.

6. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
= -.- i say aim. i spell a-i-m.

7. What are you?
= human being.

8. Could you eat your favorite food everyday for a month and not get sick of it?
= NO. No way.

9. What are you craving?
= Hot/Iced Choc. or Hot Milo!

10. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
= caterpillars.

11 . Have you ever counted to 1,000?
= no -.- thats like insanity.

12. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
= i do both! hahaha.

13. Do you use smileys?
= haha yeah. they are quite cute, esp when you draw them.

15. Have you ever met a celebrity?
= uh yep.

16. Do you like cottage cheese?
= i like cheese just fine.

17 . What's the last song you had stuck in your head?
= 我们的歌 - 王力宏

18. Favorite place to be?
= HOME:DDDDD

19. Are your parents strict?
= not really actually.

20. Would you go sky diving?
= If its free. hahah!

21 . Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
= No. he should come and eat with me. :p

22 . Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
= Sparkly?! Nah, you wont ever.

23. Do you rent movies?
= Nope.

24 . Who sits in front of you in your spanish class?
= I wish i take spanish.

25. Where are you going to be Saturday night?
= which is today. uh i go novena church, then i go eat and then i go ntuc with my mum for grocery shopping.

26. Brown or white eggs?
= White.

27. Like rap music?
= Depends. I can hardly get english rap though.

29 . Experienced the twin towers falling in New York?
= huh, no.

30 . Is anyone in your family famous?
= ME ME ME!

31. What day of the week is it?
= Saturday.

32 . What was your Lunch?
= My mum's fried rice.

33. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
= Which one are you talkign about? anyway, i wouldnt know. ahha.

34 . Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
=Eh shit. I thoought i've heard of it or seen it or smth. now i cant rmb what happen. Or if i really seen it o.0

35. So, how about them Yankees?
= Ah?

36. What is your bus number for school?
= 961 then 131. But uh my dad does the fetching.

37. Is your hair curly?
= slight wave.

38 . Last time you cried?
= Uh. Let's not talk about it shall we?

39 . Ever walked into a wall?
= Ehhhhhhhhhhhh heh. Shhhhhh :x

40. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
= Is there even such a shop/brand?

41 . Favorite season?
= Autumn?

42. The next person you'll hold hands with?
= My mummmmmmmy!

43. Do you sleep with the TV on?
= Nahhhhhhh.

44 . Have you ever drank alcohol straight from the bottle?
= i can't even take the slightest alcohol!

45. Do you think you're old?
= 15 is hardly old.

46 . Are you afraid of the dark?
= Not really. If im in familiar surroundings then no. But if in new surroundings, I'm afraid. Sadly.

47 . Do you like your life right now?
= Not sure. It will get better, i'm sure.

48. When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
= Never. I always prefer shower over bath.

49. Do you knock on wood?
= haha yeah.

50 . Do you have good vision?
= Not especially ):

51. Can you hula hoop?
= YES! It's my most recent fetish :D

53. Worst thing that happened today?
= Nth really bad happened today.

54. When is your next road trip?
= 10th dec.

55. Have you ever crawled through a window?
= I watched other crawled through one.

56. Can you handle the truth?
= Yeah. I WANT the truth. But i'm not saying i wont cry. But at least, i want to know.

57 . What was the most recent thing you bought?
= Sweets?

58. How often do you talk on the phone?
= Hardly.

59. Are you in a complicated relationship?
= Used to. Now its over.

60. Do you hate more than 3 people?
= Nah i dont hate anyone. Because with hate, comes love.

It's gone. All over. My heart really died. No more. Nothing. I'm all alone. Left with nothing. How. Why... why...

I'm dying. I really am. I need help. Serious help. Somebody? Please. Somebody who cares enough.

For a moment, i thought i will never stop crying. For a moment, i thought i will die, die from this immense hurt my heart is going through, die from this hurt and pain that's wrenching me apart. Yeah, i've changed, emotionally. And it's bad. Shit. I hate me.

Whatever. Anyway, back from shanghai. Envy my friends who have great buddies, great class. Many of them found cute/shuai guys (acc to them) and went totally boy-crazy. Kinda funny actually. Anyway, i really learnt nothing there except on how to bargain. My group actually pissed all the shoes shop off at the new Xiangyang Lu, because we insisted on 40/50RMB for one pair of converse sneakers, but the stalls only go as low as 60RMB. In the end, i bought an Adidas for 80RMb. Yeah, ironic. I've been doing many ironic things. So i can't really be bothered.

The dorms were good. Surprisingly. The hotels at Hangzhou was even better. The Shanghai's Orchard Road, which is Nanjing Road basically, was like Wow at first, but gradually you realised there's nothing special, because for one there are no shops that attracts us, and for second, you can't bargain, and for third, you get molested. (and i don't really want to talk about it.) Only good thing was, there were like 3 KFCs along the whole stretch, which is a good sign because I can go crazy over the Egg Tarts. Creds goes to Eeyang who told me that egg tarts even existed in their KFCs. Cultural streets are damn boring -.- So nothing on that. I think sitting on the planes there and back are the funnest thing. You get to watch many movies and eat airplane food. There's always a toilet, which is CLEAN, with a FLUSH, and has a LOCK, plus TOILET PAPER are always avaliable. Face it, Shanghai toilets suck to the core. They smell, there are no lights, they dont flush properly, toilet papers are almost non-existant, the locks (if there is even any) are not working. The basins are sometimes flooded with goodnessknowswhat. Okay, anyway, back to airplanes. Yeah, the last time i sat on an airplane was like K1? And i was still sucking on a milk bottle man. So actually to sum it all up, this is my second time on a plane, but first time alone, first time on a SQ plane, first time out of Southeast Asia. Uh hmm. Nope, not trying to exaggerate or brag or whatever you are thinking of. Just making my point across. So yeah, that's kind of about it. I'm not going to go on and on and on and on about Shanghai. One last thing though, hate the air there, hate the people who smoked all day long, really hate it.

I need to break away. But first, i need the problem/s solved, or I will just self-destruct.

BETRAYED.

I'm on a blogging mode today. So i shall go on with my quizzes.

Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
- lies/distrust, and sudden changes, while expecting me to accomodate.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
- not sure

Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
- yeahhhhh

When was the last time you flew in a plane?
- oh ytd?

What did the last text message you sent say?
- hmm.

How many kids do you want to have?
- um not sure. more than one.

Where was your default picture taken?
- not a photo, its a picture.

Honestly , what's on your mind right now?
- ... lets not talk abt it. or i'll just go on from here.

If you could go back in time & change something, what would it be?
- i rather change smth now for the better. no use changing the past.

Who knows you the best?
- Right now, its my mum. And i miss her loads. I cant wait vfor her to be back tmr! i want to hug her.

Do you get along with your family?
- yeah usually

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
- glasses.

Did you buy something today?
- nope. stuck at home.

When is the last time you had a massage?
- never had one.

Last person to lay in your bed?
- me

Last person to see you cry?
- no one. nobody sees it when i cry.

What are your plans for the weekend?
- go out with my family. go church.

Who did you last hang out with
- um my friends?

[1] Lose a lover, or love a loser?
- love a loser. perhaps im losing smone now. im trying hard not to but to no avail.

[2] Smoke pot, or drink beer?
- none. cant stand any of tht.

[3] Run two miles straight, or walk eight miles?
- run 2 miles straight.

[ 4] Go to the beach, or have a milkshake?
- have an iced choco.

[5] Laugh when nobody else is, or not laugh when everyone else is?
- laugh when nobody else is. because, im sure to laugh when everyone else is.

[6 ] Drink ten cans of soda at once, or never drink soda again?
- never drink soda.

[ 7] Have your pants ripped, or get thrown in a trash can?
- have my pants ripped. anyw, i dont wear pants a lot.

[8] Kiss someone you don’t like or, kiss someone who doesn’t like you?
- dont kiss.

[9] Not take a bath for a week or take a bath in a lake?
- look for a toilet to bathe.

[10] Be an only child or have five brothers?
- have five brothers.

[ 1 1] Cry in front of 5,000 strangers, or cry in front of your whole school?
- 5000 strangers.

[ 12] Be able to rewind time or, see the future?
- see the future. looking at the past will just hurt me more, doesnt it?

[14 ] Die the day after the best day of your life, or live to be ninty?
- live to be ninety.

[ 15 ] Go skydiving or, go scuba diving?
- skydiving.

[ 16] Be loved by one person, or have ten people who like you?
- Be loved by one person.

[17 ] Be fat and pretty or skinny and ugly?
- be fat and pretty. this reminds me of the bitching we have at shanghai, with regard to aoyuan and ___. yeah better to be fat cuz you can do smth abt it, then to be ugly but cant do much.

[ 18 ] Love and lose or, never love at all?
- both sounds painful.

BASICS
Name: rachel.
High school: nygh.
Elementa ry: rmps.
Favorite soda: dont like soda.
Favorite fruit: every fruuuuuuit.
Favorite season: no seasons. and im appreciating it.
LAST talked to: sister.
Shower: not yet ):
Watched: stardust, no reservations, moulin rouge. blahblah.

HAVE YOU
Ever cried over a girl or boy: yeah. many countless times.
Ever been arrested: Nope
Ever had a friend die: nope
Ever used a gun: no.
Ever finished a puzzle: uh hmm.
Ever got beaten up: Nope.
Ever hated someone: Yeah
Ever made a huge mistake: yeah loads.
Ever jogged a mile: yeah.
Ever broken someones heart: no. dont think so.

NUMBERS
Favorite number(s): 1,3,4,7,9. yeah i know. thats a lot.

PICK ONE
Blue or Red? RED
Spring or Autumn? I dont careeee. Bothhhhhhhh

RANDO M
Do you speak any other language:
- yeah.

Wanting to see some1?: yeah.
How old do you look: two elderly ppl at shanghai ask which university in shanghai i attend.
How old do you act: superly mature.

Do you have any pets?: noooo.

I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning, and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no make-up on, wearing your most torn up jeans and a plain tee-shirt

I' m the guy who won't pressure you to do things that you don't want to do.

I' m the guy who kisses you on the forehead; it doesn't always have to be on the mouth.

I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell.

I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

I'm the guy who's waited all day because I'm looking forward to our date that night.

I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.

I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.

I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.

I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been, or who he's been with.

I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.

I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.

I'm the guy who doesn't mess with other girls when I have you; you're the only one that I need.

I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections, and loves you more for them; who wants a perfect girl? that's just boring.

I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.

I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.














No longer impt. i dont have this guy, not anymore. Or rather, im hoping this guy will come back. Foolish yeah?

Rachel
Craze SixTEEN
Radin Mas NYGH
LA Rep
TWENTYTWO.OHFOUR
SAYANG ME AT
rachel.0422@live.com

SINGING'S MY LIFE
friendster profile(:
And love is in the air